Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Best Laid Plans

Our good friend, Andria, has entered Nick at Nite’s Funniest Mom in America 3 search tonight at the comedy club called Comedy, TN. She is very funny and we wish her luck. However, I believe myself to be very funny as well. I’m not a mom, obviously, but in an effort to not be upstaged, I agreed to do the funniest thing I could think of. I offered to babysit all of our friends’ kids so they, and Kristy, could go cheer her on. Funny punchline? I thought so, but they took me seriously and so tonight I’ll be in charge of, as far as I can tell, seven children, ages five months to eight-years-old.

I don’t mind doing it, I’m willing to take a bullet – or seven – for my friends, but be aware that there are some rules that will need to be observed. The rules are:

  • I will order pizza. Pizza is what’s for dinner, so if your children want something else then you’ll have to provide it. And if you're providing a steak, medium rare, with garlic mashed potatoes, then bring me some of that, too.
  • I am the ultimate authority in my house. What I say goes, and if your child leaves here saying words you didn’t know he or she knew, and they say they learned them from me, then they’re lying, and should really know better.
  • I will not bathe anyone’s kids.
  • We will watch a movie of my choosing. That movie will be Pulp Fiction.
  • Any bumps, bruises or Band-Aids that your kids come into my house with will be documented and you will be required to sign off on this list. My attorney will witness the signatures.
  • The kids will stay out of my room. That’s where I’ll be.
  • I will begin taking children in any time after 7:30 p.m. Do not bring them any earlier, I have to stop by the liquor store on the way home from work.
  • Pick your kids up after the show. This one is the most important. And, please, when you pick them up, take care not to wake me.
  • Your kids’ pockets will be searched on their way out for any of my stuff.

This is the kind of undertaking I believe my Aunt Carol would assure me “builds character,” and therefore this babysitting is gratis, if gratis, in fact, means insane. I wouldn’t dream of taking anything from my friends so they can go out and have a good, though brief(!), night out. The competition prize, however, is $50,000, and should Andria win I will require half of that amount for pain and suffering.

[Good luck tonight, Andria!]