Thursday, April 27, 2006


I had the MRI at 9 a.m. this morning and let me just say, it was a pleasure. For those of you who have never had one, are understandably scared to death of getting one, you needn’t be. Okay, I take that back, you should still be afraid, always be afraid of someone stuffing you into a round casket while you're still breathing. But if you go about it right, then it is no problem whatsoever. The way I chose to go about it was Xanax. I procured a Xanax morsel and, as I understand it, this is always more effective when taken with about four fingers of scotch (disclaimer: I am not a doctor, consult with yours before attempting this because he probably knows of some really good 18-year-old scotch he could recommend). Now, I usually have only two fingers with breakfast but as I was about to be stuffed into a small, metal tube I thought an extra two fingers seemed reasonable. After this I dropped the kids off at their schools – or near a school anyway – and made it in plenty of time for my appointment.

The MRI procedure was a breeze, from changing into the daring hospital gown (“Keep your underwear and shoes on,” the technician directed, as though he were about to challenge me to some sort of semi-nude, diagnostic foot race), to the ear plugs for the noise, to actually being delivered into the tube. The tube. It was like a peaceful little cocoon all to myself that lasted about 20 minutes, just enough time for a mini-snooze. When I was brought out I asked if I could go back in for 10 minutes or so. The technician said no, I suspect it was his naptime.

No word yet on what the MRI revealed, it needs to be looked over by people with a bunch of degrees. All I know is that I’m starting to save up and search Ebay for my very own MRI machine to put in my dining room in place of the dining table we have there now. Coming home from work would be much more appealing knowing I had some ear plugs, four fingers of scotch, and a quiet tube all to myself for a half hour or so. I feel that with enough rest I would be able to beat that technician next time in the 40-yard dash.